Fear

What do I fear?  I fear so many things.  I am trying to confront them head on.  Some of my fears won't be conquered.  And that's okay with me.  They are the ones that don't keep me up at night.

I don't care to conquer my fear of :  heights, snakes and the dark.

Those fears don't define me or limit me (too much).  I don't want to handle snakes, film a horror movie in the woods or stand in the Empire State Building and look down.

But my biggest fear used to be getting sick and having my loved ones have to struggle to care for me. You see, I can't control the getting sick part---- to a degree. I mean, I do know my health is somewhat in my control.  As I get healthier, I know that some diseases will be warded off.  But for example,  I can not control if I get M.S. or not.  It is out of my hands.  I have accepted that.  It is life. 

That USED to be my fear but God has calmed my spirit about it.  It is what it is.

What started my whole journey towards better health was my fear of having my hubs or children have to care for me in my 200+ state.  That is a real fear.

That would have been selfish of me to continue down that road. I am not selfish by nature, especially when it comes to my family.

It is fitting that I would get healthy for this reason.  My goal throughout the years was not to get in a bikini or wear a certain size.  I struggled and fought my weight for so many years.  It just became a habit.

But last summer, when the optic neuritis came, I faced my fear.  It became very real.

It had always been there, just under the surface.  Every year, on my mom's birthday, I would meditate on how old she was when she died, count and minus my age from that and feel like the countdown was on.

Last summer, I cried.  I felt sorry for myself.  I sulked.  I was miserable to be around.

But when the specialist told me the scans were good and there were no signs of plaque on my brain, I rejoiced and praised God.   

Didn't He still deserve the praise, even if the scans were bad?  That's a thought, huh?

I am facing my fear everyday now.  If it had not been for the O N scare last summer, I wouldn't be where I am now. 

And I love where I am now.  I am daily making choices that are leading to better health for me no matter how many days I have left on this earth. 

All of our days are numbered.  My sister, Linda reminded me last summer in the middle of my crisis, that His grace is sufficient for the day.  For today. 

Today, I feel His grace.  Thank you Jesus.

Such a fitting title to this blog.  I don't know why my time is NOW, but it is.  After being obese for a long time, I finally "get" it. 

I understand the concept of willpower.

I understand the concept of wanting something so bad for myself that I am willing to work for it.

I understand the power of change.

I am changing.

This is my moment.  I am arising.